This morning fear is trying his best to get his teeth into me. I’m driving to work and I feel the shaking in my blood, working its way from the inside out. But instead of spiraling down, I look up.
I am wearing my gratitude clicker and I start listing things that I am thankful for.
It didn’t lift the fear altogether, but it pushed open my chest a bit, gave me a little room to breathe.
My counselor says the way to deal with this is to get really good at identifying my triggers and calling them out. Naming my fears shrinks them down until they are realistic, manageable.
I know what my triggers are today. There are two, and they stir up all sorts of dark doubts and feelings and open the door for fear to waltz right in.
A woman that I care for is suddenly, surprisingly separated. This happened out of the blue, at a time that should be filled with celebration. This hits in a tender place, because, like me, her husband held her on the Earth, kept her from spinning off into space. What would I do if it were me? It makes me wonder if the weight of realized dreams can just be too heavy, if they can crush parts of our lives we don’t even realize are butterfly-wing fragile until it’s too late.
I signed up to send a package with We Deliver Love, and the name I was sent is a woman who found out her precious, unborn child has a birth defect. I was so excited to send happy mail, but this nominee blew me right off my feet. What can I possibly put into a box that would, in any way, make a difference? That kind of pain is big and unwieldy and takes up all kinds of space. Cookies just won’t get it. I want to have another baby soon, and she, beautiful stranger, is living my worst fear. I am so blessed with the family I have. “Why do you think you deserve more?” my mind whispers. “Why are you pushing your luck?”
I hate this doubt, these dark ugly thoughts. They are born out of my deepest loves, my greatest vulnerabilities, the areas where I cannot be in control.
I name you today, heart fears. I am small, but you are smaller. You will not stop me. Because God is big, I choose to move forward anyway. You have a voice, but it is love that wins.